The Virtues of a Pomegranate
by Roga
Summary: It's Rosh HaShana and Josh decides to get festive. If you can call it that.


**The Virtues of a Pomegranate****  
by Dana  
**  
**SPOILERS:** None.  
**DISCLAIMER:** All the characters belong to Aaron Sorkin & co.  
**SUMMARY:** It's Rosh HaShana, and Josh is festive. If you can call it   
that.  
**NOTES:** I made it! I made it in time! Okay, I was planning to write   
this *before* Rosh HaShana, but I...er...didn't. And now it's the   
second day of the holiday but there's still an hour and a half   
before midnight so it's technically still the holiday and *phew*! I   
made it in time. It's just a dialogue peice--a little holiday thing.   
For those who don't know, Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year.   
Thanks to Nina for being helpful.  
**FEEDBACK:** As always, greatly appreciated.  
  
* * *  
  
"Good morning, Josh."  
  
"Good morning, Donna. Happy New Year."  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"Happy new year, you ignorant Protestant. Today's the beginning of   
the Jewish new year. My mother didn't tell you?"  
  
"Why should your mother have told me this?"  
  
"I thought you had some weird psychic spy-network on me going on."  
  
"Because our entire lives revolve around you."  
  
"Was that an agreement?"  
  
"Uh… no…"  
  
"Right. Well, I'll just go to my office and work for a bit."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"If you don't mind."  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"See, what I need you to do is move out of the way first."  
  
"Oh. Sorry. Ow!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"What was what?"  
  
"You poked me with something!'  
  
"Donna!"  
  
"No, I mean something kind of sharp--but not really."  
  
"Donna--"  
  
"When you squeezed past me we sort of rubbed against each other and--  
"  
  
"Donna, I'm begging you to stop with these descriptions--"  
  
"--and something you were holding sort of poked me in the arm."  
  
"Oh. This."  
  
"What is that?"  
  
"It's a pomegranate."  
  
"I can see that it's a pomegranate, I mean what is that doing here?"  
  
"I brought it in."  
  
"Again, Josh, thank you for stating the obvious. Don't give me that   
superior look. It's not as if you grew it yourself."  
  
"It's actually, if you must know, the President."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"I meant--"  
  
"Mr. President, are you in there?"  
  
"Ba-da-bing!"  
  
"Well, I try."  
  
"Says the woman who can only bring dead audience jokes."  
  
"They were good jokes, Josh. So you were saying that this   
pomegranate was, in fact, the ruler of the United States?"  
  
"Look, it's like this: eating pomegranates is one of the traditions   
of Rosh HaShana. This year I've decided that each of you are gonna   
be a tradition. You're always complaining that I'm not festive   
enough. This is me being festive."  
  
"You're being a rather cranky festive person."  
  
"Donna, don't start."  
  
"No, I mean, first you're poking me with things and then you're   
laughing at my jokes…"  
  
"Sounds like normal to me."  
  
"You don't normally poke me with things!"  
  
"I don't? Oh… ahem, that's right, I don't."  
  
"What did you think--"  
  
"Nothing. I'm happy now. I'm festive. See? Smiling."  
  
"Constipated. Now tell me the real reason."  
  
"The real reason?"  
  
"All of this. Pomegranates. The other food in that bag."  
  
"Look, every year Toby teases me endlessly and *belittles* my   
knowledge of Jewish holidays."  
  
"That's because you know nothing about them. You *have* no knowledge   
of them. Your knowledge of them amounts to the fact that they exist.   
You know that they happen sometime during the year."  
  
"Well, I don't intend to let him win! I spent all night researching   
traditions."  
  
"And to think some people only do it to get into heaven."  
  
"Simpletons. And thanks, by the way, for defending my vast intellect   
earlier there. It's much appreciated."  
  
"Least I could do for you, Josh. Hey, I figured out the real reason   
you brought all these things in."  
  
"Did you? After I straight out told you what it was? How clever."  
  
"That's not the real reason. The truth is that you brought in all   
this food for me."  
  
"Did I? That's interesting."  
  
"You're very sorry that you can't give me a pay raise so in the   
meantime you're making an effort to compensate by bringing me treats   
to the office."  
  
"Yes, that must be it… You caught me, Donna."  
  
"Don't laugh at me."  
  
"I've brought you my goody-bag full of sweets. Oh, look, here's a   
dead fish."  
  
"Oh, gross! Put that down, Josh!"  
  
"It's a fish head, Donna."  
  
"Stop! Stop! Josh! Don't touch me!"  
  
"…I never thought *that's* what you'd be screaming…"  
  
"Get away from me, you sick person."  
  
"It's Toby, Donna. It's the head of a fish so that `we may be like a   
head and not a tail.' Of course, I made him Toby because, well, he's   
the fish head."  
  
"That's just… It's such a bad metaphor, Josh. Did you really have to   
stink up the entire office for it?"  
  
"Don't mock the prophets, Donna."  
  
"The prophets aren't going to be working here until one AM tonight,   
are they?"  
  
"I have a strange urge to say `bygones'. Anyway, aren't you curious   
who the rest of the people are?"  
  
"Curious, no. Vaguely fearing, yes."  
  
"Well, the pomegranate is obviously the President, because he has a   
crown. The many-seeded pomegranate is celebrated during this holiday   
to mark our fruitfulness and the many mitzvas we have to carry out."  
  
"You made up, like, three words in that sentence."  
  
"Don't mock my vocabulary, Spatula-is-Yiddish Girl."  
  
"I said it *should* be Yiddish, not that it *is* Yiddish. Toby   
passes these things on to you?"  
  
"He mentioned it when he ridiculed my familiarity of Succot, which   
we will be reviewing in a few weeks. And now, back to my bag."  
  
"Yay! A calf head next!"  
  
"Oh, no. We're Eastern-European Jews--we don't do that."  
  
"Oh, my God! People do that?"  
  
"That's for you not to know and me to… uh, find out later. Anyway.   
Here."  
  
"An antler."  
  
"It's a ram's horn."  
  
"You're bringing pieces of dead animals into the office and calling   
them festive, Josh. Are you sure Judaism isn't a jungle cult?"  
  
"What, you can't tell the difference between an antler and a ram's   
horn?"  
  
"You're right, I can't believe I made it to the age of twenty-eight.   
Besides, you should talk, Panda-Bear."  
  
"I really think I finally got that one down. They're the ones with   
the orange stripes, right?"  
  
"Just talk about the horn, Josh."  
  
"It's called a Shofar, and it's blown to `arouse the people to   
examine their deeds and to repent for the misdeeds of the past   
year'. Here, I'll show you--"  
  
"Oh, God, Josh, stop that! It sounds like a dying elephant!"  
  
"Again, not what I ever thought you'd be screaming at me."  
  
"Give me that thing before the Secret Service gets in here. Who is   
this supposed to be?"  
  
"Why, CJ, of course."  
  
"Why CJ?"  
  
"Because she's long and she's loud. Ow! Why do women keep doing that   
to me?"  
  
"You pig."  
  
"What, I can compare Toby to dead fish but I can't call CJ long and   
loud? That's sexist."  
  
"Hmm. You're right."  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Don't be mean to Toby either."  
  
"I'm starting to suspect there's some magnetism here. Some crazed   
out freak magnetic field that draws female palms to my head."  
  
"Magnetism. Between me and you. Please."  
  
"Yes. Haha. And now, continuing, I produce my carrot."  
  
"Can't wait to find out what it is."  
  
"Always the eager pupil, Donna. The `merren' in Yiddish,   
that's `more' for you, symbolizes that we want more of the good   
things in life. More health, more happiness, more success. Which is   
just what I want for Leo, to whom I designated this tradition."  
  
"Aw, Josh."  
  
"Also, Margaret slightly resembles a carrot."  
  
"I should have known that was coming. Clearly, what I really need to   
do is smack you again, but I don't sense that's having any   
significant effects on you."  
  
"I knew you would learn someday."  
  
"Nevertheless."  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Bring it on, Josh. My palm awaits."  
  
"Next we have these apples. These apples are Sam. Because… well,   
because I couldn't find anything else that fit him. There's also   
some story about how Jacob smelled like apples at some point and   
Jacob and Samuel are both in the Bible, so there's a distant   
connetion…"  
  
"That's very well thought out."  
  
"Okay, so I was reaching. Just accept the fact that Sam is apples   
and move on."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Well, back to work, then."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Back. To Work. It's a thing we do around here. Well, most of us."  
  
"Aren't you forgetting someone?"  
  
"No, I don't think so."  
  
"Think harder."  
  
"I've got Sam, Toby, CJ, the President, Leo… Margaret, to an extent…"  
  
"Me, Josh. You're forgetting *me*."  
  
"Oh, that's right…"  
  
"You know what? I am *this* close to smacking you again."  
  
"Geez, Donna when did you become so violent?"  
  
"Josh!"  
  
"Fine, fine. But, you gotta understand, this is a brand new shirt my   
mom sent me for the holidays so I don't want any… tear-stains, or   
whatever."  
  
"You don't want any blood on them either, I assume. Start talking!"  
  
"The apples… you don't eat them alone. You eat them with honey, to   
symbolize the wish for a good and sweet year. You're the honey,   
Donnatella."  
  
"Oh, Josh…"  
  
"No--don't--it's strictly because you're blonde, you understand?"  
  
"Uh-huh…"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"You can let go now, Josh."  
  
"I actually… now that's we're being open with each other..."  
  
"We were being open with each other?"  
  
"...I feel like I can tell you the real reason for eating the   
pomegranate."  
  
"Um, you're standing awfully close…"  
  
"It's to symbolize the greatest mitzva of all…"  
  
"…and what's with this smirk, anyway?…"  
  
"...which is..."  
  
"Josh? Dramatic pauses... not your thing."  
  
"...`Go forth and multiply.'"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Go back to work, Josh."  
  
* * *  
  
~END~  
  
**Happy New Year!******


End file.
